I feel like I have failed. Today I got told I wasn’t performing. I’m ‘no’ good at what I do. A sentiment I suspected for a long time. So, why? Is it because I’m too busy? I can count on one hand the number of hours i’ve had this week after accounting for sleep and work. What is it? Am I my dad? Destined to fail and never be happy. Destined to always value the wrong things, seeking the unachievable with a totally unrealistic and unachievable view of the world?
Is it that I’m just not good enough? Are my expectations too high? Am I really who I think I am? Can I be better? Have I become worse, or have I always been this way and am only now realizing it?
I’m at my favourite bar, but I’m not happy.
The default reaction is, I’m ok, it’s the circumstances. What if it’s not the circumstances? What if the problem is me? I’m just not good enough?
How do I fix it? Can I try harder? Why do I feel like I’m trying so hard but getting no-where? Like a mouse on a running wheel, expending energy and not moving forward? How can I move forward? How can I spend my energy where its needed?
Okay, drinks and good company have lifted my spirits. Lack of sleep affects me. Sleep and deal with it tomorrow, there is only so much you can do, and I need to sleep. 6 hours a night is not enough. Is it because I know that the extra effort is not rewarded? Maybe I’m burned out. I will try, but we all have our limits.
I miss my bed. Fk ton o fun, I’m sleeping tomorrow!
