It was my birthday last week. Another year older.

I tried to be more organised this time, and tried to put something in people’s diaries a few months in advance.

I even booked somewhere.

In the end i had about 15 people come. The usual crowd were there, and a few extras. But there were alot who never replied or bothered to come.

I’m disappointed. I’m not sure what to do.

It makes me sad.

Do i try harder? Do i let them go?

I know that i can be hopeless at times, and often it is just a function of circumstance and my inability to cope with many things, rather than anything else. Am i being too harsh on my friends?

I guess it’s all about what you expect. Do i expect my close friends to in some way acknowledge my birthday? Yes. Do i expect them to repond to an invitation to celebrate? Even if it’s just to say ‘sorry i can’t make it, have a good time without me’? Yes

Path

Are you there? Where are you?

Please give me the strength to focus and do what needs to be done. Please give me the energy to deliver what is required, to live up to my own expectations and achieve. To be the daughter I want to be, and the friend I would want to have. Help me to follow through on my commitments and be strong enough to say no when I can’t.

Amen

A phone call

Can be a lifeline, has been a lifeline. Being proactive and doing something has given me strength. I can do this. I can be better, I can.

Can be a bridge, has mended a friendship. Thank you for your wisdom and strength. Some days I can’t stand you, but yesterday I was reminded why I love you. Some days you fustrate me, other days you aggravate me, but everyday you inspire me. Thanks for being my friend.

Lost

I don’t know what to do. I want to talk to friends, but what if they call me stupid and are too busy to help me? Who can I impose my life and my problems on?

I thought of calling a help line, but what can they do about my own ineptitude? How can they help me if I can’t help myself?

I’m glad we have no guns here, there were times this week where i would have happily pulled the trigger to end it all.

Give me the strength to do my best.

Recipriocate

Do you feel what I feel?
The people who are important to me, who I love above all else. Do they feel the same about me? I find it hard to tell sometimes.
There are those who are masters of making you feel at ease, loved and comfortable. The leb boys have this down to an art.

I love L and K, and would happily incorporate them both into all aspects of my life, sometimes I think they feel the same, and sometimes I’m unsure.
I think I felt a twinge of jealousy when i saw how many friends she had. How petty I am. Now I’m scared of losing K. What if he likes a girl at his work, what if I lose him like I’ve lost H and O in the past.

Fail

I feel like I have failed. Today I got told I wasn’t performing. I’m ‘no’ good at what I do. A sentiment I suspected for a long time. So, why? Is it because I’m too busy? I can count on one hand the number of hours i’ve had this week after accounting for sleep and work. What is it? Am I my dad? Destined to fail and never be happy. Destined to always value the wrong things, seeking the unachievable with a totally unrealistic and unachievable view of the world?

Is it that I’m just not good enough? Are my expectations too high? Am I really who I think I am? Can I be better? Have I become worse, or have I always been this way and am only now realizing it?

I’m at my favourite bar, but I’m not happy.

The default reaction is, I’m ok, it’s the circumstances. What if it’s not the circumstances? What if the problem is me? I’m just not good enough?

How do I fix it? Can I try harder? Why do I feel like I’m trying so hard but getting no-where? Like a mouse on a running wheel, expending energy and not moving forward? How can I move forward? How can I spend my energy where its needed?

Okay, drinks and good company have lifted my spirits. Lack of sleep affects me. Sleep and deal with it tomorrow, there is only so much you can do, and I need to sleep. 6 hours a night is not enough. Is it because I know that the extra effort is not rewarded? Maybe I’m burned out. I will try, but we all have our limits.

I miss my bed. Fk ton o fun, I’m sleeping tomorrow!

Families

I have family envy. They are the family my mum should have had, if only she had married a real man. The boys are fine men and the girls are beautiful women. They must be so proud. I can only imagine the kind of parents they must be to raise C. He is kind and strong, fun and dedicated, honest and flawed. If everyone had parents like you, the world would be a much better place. If only there were more young men like him in our world. I can feel the bonds of love between the siblings and I’m jealous. As I drive away I feel so alone. Where is my big brother to look out for me when things go awry? Where is my little sister to make fun of me and wear my clothes? I think i have caught a glimpse of those things i’ll never have that mum has always been trying extra hard to make up for. I’ll never have just one child if i can help it. O will be married in a week, and our supposed ties of family are weak. I miss him. I should make more time for them. I miss them.

My passenger is drunk, he sobs drunken tears that he will miss her. So will I. The words of comfort are lost, sympathy is hard to find. He’s sick and the car is decorated with clumps of soft mushy puke. And he’s covered with a regurgitated feast. I’m pulled over on the side of a major intersection and lost for words. If only my big brother was here. I can’t call O anymore, I should be able to sort this out myself. He has his own life now. I flustered about, I can’t get in the car, yet I can’t stay here. I call C, and feel incredibly guilty. He is the savior that calms me. I’m not used to asking for help. Not used to getting it either. Is that strange? I contemplate a parallel universe where help, guidance and love are constantly there.

Mum has been missing me more lately. Are we both feeling this emptiness inside? Something isn’t right, and a trip to the west has shown me all that I am missing, and more.

Ventuno

I’ve heard of Walsh bay, but always imagined it to be far far away somewhere. It’s actually surprisingly close! We walk down there, I’m in some desperate need for exercise, and so is he. I wonder if there are things I need to ask him, if we should have a ‘robust’ discussion, but in the end i let it slide.

Ignite

blink, light, blue skies

sun drenched mornings, smooth cotton sheets

endless summer, sandy beaches

Birds a flutter, salty ocean winds

a touch, a glance

i chance to dream, a reason to fly

the promise is there, barely a whisper

The spark returned, soon a flame

3 things

Three good things about today

I ate watermelon, yum!
Dad found the letter yay!
And I look pretty in pink