Mortality

Someone i knew passed away last week. I didn’t know her well, and we weren’t close, but i still felt the impact of her passing.

I went to the funeral this week, and stood there in the soft rain listening to stories of how she touched so many lives. Stories from her childhood, from her family, from her colleagues and close friends. Try as i might, i didn’t really have any stories to share.

The people i knew there were grieving for a close friend, someone they had shared more than half their life with. Someone they shared so many memories with. Someone they will miss.

I can’t say i share their grief in the same way. The times i’ve met her, she’s been a bright and vibrant person. Happy, smiling, and open. I can see how she makes friends easily. I’m not sure we really ‘clicked’ in that way special friends do. But i did hope that in time we would become closer.

I don’t grieve for a friend i’ve lost, i grieve for a friendship that never was. I grieve because she was someone K held very dear, someone who shared many special moments with him. I grieve because he’s lost someone so important to him. He isn’t one to have many friends, and he doesn’t confide in others easily. She was a tower of strength for him, and i worry about him now that she’s gone.

She also had a young family, she was newly wed with a baby girl. I wept for that little girl who will grow up without a mother. As a mother now, i can’t help but cry at the thought of leaving my boys. Or even losing K, and raising them alone.

I’m embarrassed and ashamed we didn’t do more to help them in this past year. Embarrassed that we didn’t try harder, that i couldn’t emphasize more. Strangely enough, i always thought she’d get better. That we would give them time and space to heal and reconnect later. We’ve also been through our own ordeal with a somewhat difficult pregnancy. However, i really appreciated those friends who reached out to me during those months, who made the extra effort to check in, bring food, even just say hi.

I know how much she meant to K, and how much she did for him. I’m ashamed that i wasn’t able to offer the same kind of support in their time of need. Now that she’s gone, i still don’t know what to do.

We went to visit her in the palliative care hospital a few weeks ago, a chance to say our goodbyes. I’m embarrassed to admit we went empty handed, with nothing to offer but ourselves.  Thinking back, we should have taken something. A present, a thought, even a letter or a photo. Something to bring her joy, even if it was just for a few moments. Something to show her how much she meant to us. We didn’t ask her anything either, we didn’t take anything away. If i could do it again, i would ask her how we could help, what she wanted us to do for her daughter, if there was anything. I would ask her what she would have wanted.

My thoughts and reasoning at the time was that she was K’s friend, and he would ask or say what he needed. But i don’t know if that’s good enough. I feel so much guilt over what i didn’t do. As one mother to another, as one human being to another. I should have helped more, should have offered more, should have done more.

Would i be overstepping boundaries? Would i be interfering? She wasn’t a close friend, and surely she has her own support networks who are helping her enough. I don’t know.

One thing i’ve taken out of this whole experience, is it has made me think more about the way i live my life. I want to live more purposefully. I want to make each moment count. We are reminded of our own mortality when we meet death. If i was to encounter the same fate, would i be happy with what i’ve achieved? Would i be proud of my life?
Listening to people speak about her and the way she touched their lives, i can’t help but wonder, what would they say about me? It is very true that your life is made up of how many lives you impact, and i can’t help but question if i’ve done enough. Am i kind enough, am i thoughtful enough? Have i loved enough?

Coincidentally, a friend has announced on facebook that she is taking some time out and being more purposeful in her living. Taking stock of her life, and saying ‘no’ to more things. I wonder if it’s time i try to do the same.

Small and large impacts

Four weeks post partum. I feel more emotional this time. Maybe i’m more aware of my own mortality, more aware of the tiny relevance i have in this world of 6billion people.  I cuddle these two tiny little humans i have created, and i want to make a difference. I want to make this world better for them, and i want to teach them to make an impact.

Strangely enough, i want to make more and less of an impact all at once.  I’ve been learning about zero waste living, and minimalist living, and i want to try to reduce our environmental impact. I recently participated in plastic free july, and it made me so aware of all the waste we create, and the damage we are doing to our world.

But i want to try and influence others, i want to impact the people around me in a positive way. I want to leave a lasting impression on the world. How do i do that? how can i do that?

September

This journey into parenthood has been so different from anything i ever imagined.

I keep wanting to write more and share more with people, but i’m too busy, too tired, or just forgetful.

Today i’m 30weeks pregnant with our next babies. I say babies, because this time there’s two.  Two little heart beats, 10 20 fingers, 20 toes, and two little brains inside my big big belly.

I feel huge, i’m pretty sure i’m bigger now than i ever was when i was pregnant with D.

This pregnancy has been exciting, but scary at the same time.  THe impending arrival of two small people is quite daunting to say the least.  But these two little people are sharing a placenta, which brings with it a whole host of potential medical problems. We are being monitored very closely (weekly ultrasounds).

Last week, they didn’t grow much, so i’m a bit nervous that they will slow down this week too. I hope they can keep growing well in there. Even though we’re past the super dangerous period, i don’t really want to deliver them yet. It’s still too early. Both for them, and for us.

Aside from being absolutely huge, my fingers and toes are puffy. My carpel tunnel is back, and i’m just generally exhausted after anything even vaguely strenuous, as well as anything that isn’t.  Walking up a flight of stairs is exhausting. I’m taking almost daily naps, when dylan sleeps.

I can’t carry him much, and i can’t really do much else to be honest.

But at the same time, i love being pregnant. I love feeling these little people grow and move inside my tummy.

I have a feeling this will be my last pregnancy, and as exhausted as i feel, i really want to enjoy it and cherish these moments. It’s not often i’ll get to be 3 people at once. Have 3 hearts. 🙂

I’m in one of those black moods. Where i can only see darkness around me, closing in. I’m not sure what to do about it. It scares me.

I love my child, but i miss myself. I don’t feel like me anymore. I feel like a shell of a person going through the motions, getting things done.

Who am i? What have i become?

All the things that used to define me are no longer there. The things that used to matter to me are no longer a part of my life. The things i cared ab

7 months

Our little dude will be 7 months in a few days.

I never realised how quickly 7 months could possibly pass. Or how much i could love someone.

I totally understand now how you can unconditionally love a baby. I don’t ask anything from him, yet i love him. And i know i will for the rest of my life, and the rest of his. At the moment he’s not capable of much, so it’s not really realistic to ask anything of him. Everything he knows is what i’ve taught him. Everything he is is either from me or based on what i’ve shown him of the world.  Whatever he grows up to be will be significantly influenced by me, either my genes or my actions.  How can i ask anything of him? How can i possibly refuse him my love when he is everything i’ve taught him to be? How much of his mistakes will be due to my own mistakes? How much of his personality will be due to my own personality? I guess no matter what happens to him as he grows up i’ll still feel somewhat responsible.  He is a reflection of myself, except with a clean slate. He doesn’t have all the hangups i do, not yet. He has so much potential, he can be anything, anyone, whatever he wants. It’s up to me to teach him how to achieve, how to get there. How to approach the world and it’s challenges. How can i impart my experiences and knowledge to him and still let him make his own mistakes? I don’t know. I wish i knew.

I just hope i’ll teach him enough to be the man i want him to be. The best of both myself and his father. The best of both of us and better.

He’s getting bigger. Happier and healthier i hope as well. Starting yesterday we’re teaching him to sleep better. Breaking old habits and starting new ones. It’s hard. It’s so hard to hear him cry, to feel him upset, his breath quick, distraught. I only hope it’s worth it in the end and both of us can sleep better and be happier as a result.

It’s getting worse. His sleep. Waking every 1-2 hours between midnight and 5am. I can’t do it anymore. I’ll be a wreck soon if this keeps up. I’m already a wreck now. I can’t really function. Everything is so hard. I’m so tired and so drained all the time. I hope this helps. I’ll try anything. I have everything crossed.

Struggle street

This week i’m feeling it. Feeling exhausted and beaten.

Last friday i went out to drinks. Someone at work was having a birthday and somehow i got invited to go along. I was so excited for a night out on the town. I caught the bus in and walked straight past all the ‘special’ seats at the front of the bus to sit on a regular blue seat in the back. I felt like i was a regular person and no longer disabled by my baby. It was such a thrill. I looked around and wondered if everyone else could tell i was on a night off or if i looked like any normal woman catching a bus into the city on a friday night.

I had dinner with an old friend who was in town for the week. I also managed to run into a few other people that i knew. Everyone kept asking me how i enjoyed being a mother. And i wanted to say ‘i love it’. But i couldn’t. I told them it was hard, i told them it was different, but i couldn’t tall them i loved it. And i don’t. I’m really struggling and i’m finding it harder by the day.

I’ve been thinking about this more and more the last few days.

I recall reading an article once about a woman who hated being a mother. She said she loved her kids, but she hated motherhood. I think she got blasted a bit for it, and i don’t think i understood at the time. But now i can completely related to her.

I love my child, i love the fact that i made him, i love that he came from me and my partner and is a living breathing being that came from our love. I love the fact that i get to raise him and teach him everything about the world. I love his cuddles, i love his smile, and i love playing with him.
What i don’t love is being a full time carer 24-7. I don’t love the fact that i can’t switch off and take some time out. I don’t love that he interrupts my sleep, my showers, even my toilet time. I don’t love that he’s so commanding of my attention that while he is awake i’m pretty much at his beck and call. I don’t love that he needs to be entertained all of his awake time. The only times he is quiet is if we are out and he’s looking at the world go by, or he’s asleep. I don’t love that during his two short naps each day are the only time i have to cook, sleep or tidy the house a little bit. And most of all i don’t love the broken sleep i’ve had to live with for the last 6 months.

Is it okay to still love your child but hate the work? Why is there so much guilt associated with motherhood?
An adult looking after their elderly parents can still love their parents without wanting to be their full-time carer. People put their parents in nursing homes and leave them to rot there and it’s okay. But for a mother to want some time away from their needy child it means you’re not maternal?

I’m so tired i’m not making sense.
I wish i was better at this. I wish i had more sleep. I wish so many things right now. Everything feels so much harder. People joke that being married is like having a ball and chain. They’re wrong. Having a child is like having a ball and chain.

Some days i wish i could be a father instead of a mother. As a father it’s okay to love your child but not care for them all day and all night. It’s okay to love your child but not love all the work that is involved. It’s okay to go back to work and hand over the core of the responsibility to someone else.

6 months

The clock just ticked over midnight.
Our baby boy is 6mths old today.

Gee it’s gone so quickly. I never realised 6 months could feel so short. I still feel so new at this parent thing and completely lost most of the time.

I never realised what being a parent really was. Everyone says it’s hard, everyone talks about mothers intutition, how things will change once the baby arrives, how much you’ll miss sleep. blah blah blah. I always heard them, but i don’t think i every really listened. I don’t think i every really understood.
There are some days when things are hard that i wonder if i really knew what i was getting myself into when we decided to get pregnant. If i really understood what this parenthood journey was really going to be like.

It’s such a ride. It’s crazy. The most overwhelming part of it is that it’s a ride you can’t jump off. You can date someone and give it a go, decide you don’t like them and call it off. (sorry, been watching the bachelor) You can take up a new job and see how you like it or quit. You can even buy a million dollar house and decide a year later it’s not what you want and decide to renovate or move. But once you’ve got a baby you can’t take it back. There’s no refund policy and you’re a parent for life. It’s not a small change to your life, it’s a huge massive change. The baby, although small manages to invade every miniscule part of your life.
Being a mother has turned my whole world upside down. Chemically, i’ve been on a crazy hormone induced drug high for the last 15months and am only just starting to come down. Physically my body doesn’t belong to me anymore, it belongs to him. I’ve got a massive scar where he made his exit and my breasts are now only useful to serve him food. Every few hours they fill and ache to be drained. I eat so that i have enough milk for him. I sleep so that i have enough energy to care for him during the day. I feel like i exist soley to look after this tiny little being.

Doing anything, going anywhere feels like im lugging a massive ball and chain. Everything is 10 times harder, and every trip that takes longer than 3 hours feels like i’m packing for a mini holiday. I had lunch with friends today, and someone asked me “how’s it going, what have you been up to?” and the only thing i could say was ” i’ve been looking after my baby”. THat’s what 90% of my life is now.

IT’s crazy. All my life i worked to get an education. I studied hard, read textbooks, sat exams, recited, memorised, theorised. I went to university, i got 2 degrees, i worked full time for 10+ years, did so many management training courses, learned how to be better, how to play to my strenghts, how to manage people, how to develop relationships. And now i have a baby, i’ve been thrust into a full time job that i’ve got absolutley no idea about. My body made a human being and now im trying to keep him sustained, but with no training, and barely any idea of how babies work.

I’m so tired. This post probably makes no sense. I haven’t slept for longer than a 5 hour stretch in 6 months. And most nights i probably only do 3-4 hour stretches still. OFten only 2-3 hours. I don’t know why he wakes up so often, i wish i could fix it. But he’s small and not feeding well so i’m feeding him whenever he cries instead of doing ‘sleep training’.

I never knew what a mothers love was until now. I don’t think i every comprehended how mothers felt about their children. I think i always thought that they just liked them more than you like someone else that you know. but this is so different. There’s so much responsibility and so much invested in this relationship. This tiny human is the only person in the world who’s ever lived inside me. He grew inside me and heard my heart beating from the inside. He was with me for 9 months while i slept, ate, talked, played, did everything that i usually do. For the first 4 months of his life he continued to be sustained entirely by me. My milk gave him sustenance and he grew from me. We were one person growing into two seperate beings. I’m wholy responsible for him. I’m supposed to look after him and help him grow into a proper person. He’s going to be a man one day. With facial hair, and smelly armpits, and awkward relationships, a job (hopefuly), hopes, dreams, and real skills to contribute to the world. But at the moment he’s a tiny baby that doesn’t even know how to fall asleep, he can’t even recognise that he’s grabbing his balls or biting his own feet. My job is to teach him about himself, about the world, and about life. It’s a daunting task and i’m scared
But at the same time he’s so helpless i can’t deny him what he needs. I can’t help but try my best to provide the best for him. I dont want to be the reason he’s stuffed up. I don’t want to be the reason he doesn’t eat enough and doesn’t grow up big and strong. I want to do everything in my power to make him happy and to help him be the best that he can be.

This parenthood thing has made me look at everyone and everything a little differently. I look at people on tv, in the street, in news articles and i think “they were a baby once upon a time”. They had someone look after them like im looking after d now. Someone loved them so much once. When they were this little someone did everything for them, fed them, cleaned them, rocked them to sleep and wiped their bums. Someone had huge hopes and dreams for them, and wanted the best for them just like how i feel about d. When someone dies young i feel sad for their mum. All this effort, all this pain, all this work, and their child dies. In an instant is wiped out from the world. It’s too sad.

Okay, i’m ranting. time for sleep. I guess the short story is that this is nothing that i could have imagined. I don’t think i was capable of comprehending what parenthood is like. I think it’s the toughest thing i’ve ever done and there’s no end in sight. Good thing he’s cute.

7 weeks

Just some things to remember about this week.
He’s been sleeping better during the day, even managed 4.5hrs today while we went to maroubra for a stroll.
He self settled a few times this week and i was amazed! I fed him, pottyed him and left him in his bassinet awake and a few mins later was asleep!! Amazing!!

We had our second date night on tuesday while mum was here. Dinner at franco franco italian restaurant. Apparently he was unsettled the whole time. Poor mum!

D’s started smiling now. Mostly in the mornings and often on the potty. It’s so cute!
He’ll also coo at me and it feels like hes trying to talk to me. I love it!

He’s also discovered his hand and is sucking on it alot more. Im a bit concerned we should introduce a dummy but K’s against the idea.

We still fit the tots bots nappies and are using grovia at night. But i’m thinking of moving to nifty naps at night and tuttos in the day. At the moment im trying to get as much use out of the tots bots while i can but they don’t hold alot of pee.

Had a couple of poo misses this week, but overall doing pretty well i think :-). Tonight ive been taking him at each overnight feed. Next hurdle to tackle is overnight dryness. If i can get that sorted i’ll save myself a small fortune on night nappies!

We got him a baby pillow at the baby expo. Mum made some covers for it. Hopefully this will keep his head in a nice round shape.

Hard

Being a new mum is hard.  It’s so hard. But it’s hard in a way i’ve never really encountered before.It’s physically exhausting in a slow drip-torture kind of way.  Mentally it’s pretty benign.  You don’t have to think much and well the baby doesn’t have particularly high expectations of what you’re required to do. I can feel my brain slowly turning to mush already.

It’s physically so hard. But not in the way that a marathon or a long hike is hard. Not in the same way as a boot camp session or even a 100km walk.  The difference is all of those things had an ending. They were hard but for a finite amount of time and well worst comes to worst you can always bail or pull out.  This is slow and painful. Each little thing on it’s own doesn’t seem to be such a big deal. But add it all together and with no respite and it gets excruciating.  I guess it doesn’t help that i had a caesarian and i’m still recovering from a major surgery. But i find even the simplest things seem hard or painful. As i type right now, i’ve got tiny little splinters on the sides of my nails that have pussed up and hurt. My scar aches when ever i try to do anything slightly strenuous. Even regular-paced walking causes it to flare up. My nipples hurt and my boobs hurt as well. There’s this wierd ache in my back under my shoulderblade. I have no idea what it’s from or why it’s there. It only appears sometimes and most of the time its gone. My carpel tunnel is still here, and actually seems to have gotten worse.

D is actually a really good baby and i’m so glad that he’s so settled. Nonetheless, he seems to have a knack for knowing when mummy’s about to go have some alone time. He cries on cue every time i sit down at the dinner table to have a meal. Same with showers, and even my own toilet time. In the mornings i rarely have time to brush my teeth and comb my hair between feeding and pooping him and struggling to wake up.

Right now i’ve got a little alone time. The rest of the household is asleep. It’s just me and my laptop right now.  This doesn’t seem to happen very often. I’m so tired. Exhausted from the mundaneness of everyday. Exhausted from the disrupted sleep, and the small aches and pains that haunt every little thing i do.

Goodnight.

 

Week 1

I feel like were starting the count all over again.  Now that he’s finally here everything’s the same but different.

I guess i knew things would be different. In the haze of the last few days i feel like i’ve coped reasonably well.  Taking each day and each challenge as it comes.

Today we’ve got him reasonably settled and sleeping right now. I think we sort of have a routine worked out. But its still early days so we’ll see how that goes.

Most reached for things this week

1. My Camelbak water bottle.  This bottle has been with me all through the labour and very close by my side through out the is whole entire week. The sippy straw makes it so easy to drink from, and means that K can feed me if my hands are full, or if im half passed out in the middle of a contraction.  The pink colour is easy to find and reach for. The clear plastic makes it easy to tell how much is in there and how much is left. It’s easy to throw around and pick up and doesn’t leak.  It’s literally by my side all day every day. All through labour and this week everyone keeps telling me to stay hydrated.  During the labour i was in so much pain, i didn’t have the stomach to eat anything, but needed to keep my fluids up.  Drinking helps with circulation, and it helps when there are a dozen people trying to find veins and draw blood/insert tubes into you.  You need keep ingesting a huge amount of liquids when you’re breastfeeding.

2. Coconut oil.  We got a small bottle of this when we went to bali last year on holilday from our cooking class.  We never did end up using it in our cooking.  But i used it a few times last year as a massage oil on K’s back.  Once my belly started growing i began to use a few drops of it on my belly as moisturiser to keep away those dreaded stretch marks. It seemed to last forever and we hardly made a dent in the small bottle we had over the last 5 months of my pregnancy using it every night.

Then i heard on some forums that it was good to put on baby’s bottom to stop the meconium (black newborn poo) sticking to the baby.  So i took some into the hospital and it’s been fantastic.  Each time i forget to spread the oil well we really notice it the next nappy change and the gunk is so much harder to get off baby.  We’ve also been using it as a moisturiser for other parts of him where we find dry skin.  It’s fantastic and natural and i feel so much better putting that on the baby than other scented creams.

3. Cotton bali dress.